I have failed. What next?

After a great deal of struggle, I am admitting that I have failed.  I've taken classes from a Unitarian-Universalist seminary, Starr King School for the Ministry, that have been both interesting and truly life changing.  Unfortunately, it has led to my understanding of the culture of Unitarianism and the realization that I don't particularly care for them and that there is no way that will accept the person that I am.  While I still identify with the Universalist side of the faith and think the few Universalists left might actually accept me, the Unitarians have been the overwhelmingly dominant force since the first day the "consolidation" (think merger with slightly different legal ramifications).

Since the election of its current president, Peter Morales, the UUA has become very politically active and is taking stands that are diametrically opposed to my own, many of which they base on statements from the liberal press that are demonstratively false.  I don't know whether I would call Unitarians low information voters, or voters who are working with dramatically incorrect information.

Most recently president Morales has released a statement calling for U.S. involvement in Syria that included weasel words about hoping to avoid violence.  Right, he's in favor of sending in the military "if necessary'.  I'm completely against America continuing our involvement in the Middle East.  We have a history of supplying arms to both side of the conflict, which just increases the body count.  We have also been sending lots of American troops in under Rules of Engagement that are not only making our troops ineffective, they are getting our soldiers killed.

The latest issue of UU World includes an essay from a UU minister about how Trayvon Martin was murdered by George Zimmerman.  Obviously she did not actually look at the evidence that came out in court or the various laws involved.  She parroted the anti "Stand Your Ground" rhetoric that is so popular in liberal circles, even though Florida's "Stand Your Ground Law" had nothing to do with the case.  She ridiculed the idea of a sidewalk being used as a deadly weapon even though there are numerous cases where people have been killed, including police officers, by attackers slamming their head into a sidewalk.

The latest issue of UU World also includes an article on sexual misconduct by ministers.  Naturally this followed the liberal narrative by using an example of a male minister and a female congregation member.  This strikes a bit close to home as the former minister of a church I used to belong to gave up her Ministerial Fellowship after the second time in her career as a minister she was brought up on sexual misconduct issues involving a woman in the congregation.

President Morales (notice the last name) is also promoting the cause of illegal aliens, excuse me, "undocumented immigrants" in the United States.  Personally I think anyone who breaks American law to get here is probably a very bad choice for becoming a citizen.  In addition, they are displacing huge numbers of citizens who are on the low end of the job scale.  Plus, a huge percentage of them are receiving various forms of assistance (welfare) that is paid for by Americans.  Unlike the GLBT effort of the past few decades, these people will never become members of the church.  Personally, I'm in favor of shipping them back quickly.

In 1979 the Unitarian Universalist Association started a campaign to create "Welcoming Congregations" to ensure that GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender) folks were welcome in the churches and to encourage them to join.  I think this was a wonderful idea and it did see great success.  However, over the decades it has morphed into a worship of GLBT folks that sees their issues getting far greater attention than others.  Overall, Unitarian churches have a low level dislike and disapproval of straight white males and the Ministerial Fellowship Committee has a strong prejudice against people like me.  I've spoken with a straight white male who went through the process and he certainly did experience this as well.  He has since founded an independent church that is not affiliated with the UUA.

Unitarians also seem to be somewhat passively anti family.  With all the "you go grrl!" rhetoric that actively discourages women from being wives and mothers to a fairly active stance that fathers are irrelevant, families are marginalized.  Unless of course, it's a lesbian couple who have had a baby through artificial means.

Unitarians have also become very anti-male.  It became obvious after attending a number of church services around the country that there was a fairly strong bias against men, unless the man is gay.  Pretty much in line with the liberal media.  This is another area where Unitarians really don't want to hear the truth, they would rather rage against "The Patriarchy".

Unsurprisingly, Unitarians are also very pro abortion and believe that fathers have no rights when it comes to children, born or unborn.  Personally, I don't think abortion is a good thing, but sometimes all other paths are worse.

American Unitarians (and in this case I use the word in strong contrast to Universalists) have a long history of helping "those people over there".  People who rich urban liberal can pity and feel superior to.  This does go back to at least the 18th century in Boston.  Unlike the Universalists, Unitarians would prefer that the common folk stay in their places.

While Unitarians claim to be liberal, they are actually very closeminded, intolerant and bigoted along very politically correct lines.  I have been welcomed much more at Pentecostal churches that I have visited than Unitarian churches I have visited.

So, I have failed.  It is obvious that I have no future with the Unitarians.  My personal theology is much more Universalist and my beliefs reach beyond the limits of Christianity.  I am still looking for alternative paths to gaining the skills and resources to help others, to minister to those in need, particularly those who are overlooked in modern society.  There are a lot of people in serious spiritual pain and I want to be able to help at least a few of them.  I have lost my way and I'm tying to find it again.

I doubt if more than half a dozen people in the world will ever read this, but just putting my thoughts down in words has been a beneficial exercise for me.

Not going to church tomorrow

I'm not going to church tomorrow. With this evening's verdict, there will be yet another reason for more bile and hatred from the pulpit for people like me, straight white males.

I've actually taken seminary classes and I did find them to be life changing. I have also come to realize that the school would kick me out once they found out more about my political beliefs. Things like being an NRA Life Member, being the proud holder of a Rifleman patch from the Appleseed project and being a straight white male. Even if I did make it through to get a M. Div., the Ministerial Fellowship Comittee would never accept me because of my political, not theological, beliefs.

Do I feel a call? Absolutely and it sucks. I still feel driven to become a minister so that I can help others in need, so I can bring peace to some troubled souls. I'm just at a real loss on how to proceed.

I'm not suffering a crisis of faith, my faith is stronger than it has ever been, but my beliefs in churches are weaker than ever.

I'm really struggling.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about James Holmes and how he wound up where he did.  The answers I've come up with have been disturbing and very thought provoking.

From his background, James Holmes seems to have been extremely intelligent.  I'll bet he would make most Mensa members look mediocre in the brains department.  This in itself makes him a fairly rare individual.  Being a statistical outlier can be really tough.  By all reports he was also quite polite.  This also helps corroborate the reports that women couldn't stand him.

So, he worked really hard in school, did well and then discovered he couldn't get a job.  One of the obvious paths to postponing having to pay a likely heavy debt load from school was to go back to school, which he did.  PhD programs are tough.  STEM PhD programs are even tougher.  I suspect he was cracking under the strain, particularly with his lack of social and moral support as well as the the continual media message that there was something wrong with him for being an intelligent straight white male.  That message can get very tiresome.

After all of this, he broke.  He killed several people.  While a lot of folks are going on about how many he killed, I glad he didn't kill a lot more.  I can think of a few ways to kill almost everyone on the theater.  A lifetime of reading science fiction, mysteries and spy novels will give a person a few ideas.  James Holmes, is a lot smarter than I am and had a lot better access to both chemical and biological, so he could easily have come up with a dozen of so methods that would be a lot deadlier.  Instead, he chose a method that was deeply personal and in everyone's face.  It wasn't about killing as many people as he could, it was about saying a huge "Fuck you!" to society.  He didn't even make any effort to get away, and he told the police about the boobytrap he had left at his apartment.

It's not hard to deduce some of the logic he probably went through.  He was under financial pressure from student loan debt that is pretty much inescapable.  He had done everything that he had been told to do to have a good life, and it had been thrown in his face.

So why am I writing this in a blog about becoming a minister?  Because James Holmes was one of the people on the fringe.  One of the people our society doesn't believe could ever need help.  Maybe if one person had gone out of their way to help him, to treat him like a real person, maybe this tragedy could have been avoided.  From what I have read about him, I would have liked to have been his friend.  There are a lot of people out on the fringes that no one wants to know about and who don't inspire enough of a sense of pity for the liberal mindset to even care.  These are the people I want to be able to help, not the people who are written up in the newspaper on a regular basis. I pray I can actually do it.

Making a difference

I spent a little while this afternoon talking to some veterans who are running a charity for disabled veterans.  It was interesting, I've know for a while that returning veterans are getting a really raw deal, but we talked about it in more detail.  The suicide rate among veterans has gotten to be way too high and very few people want to talk about it.  There are a lot of factors involved, but I think one of them is our current society where if someone is having a rough time, the only response is "too bad" instead of "Is there anything I can do to help?".  I expect quite a number of them were just ground up by the uncaring system where no one ever bothered to connect with them as human beings.

Yeah, what can I do?  I can make a point of treating them as humans and make a real effort to listen to them.

Sanctuary

I'm sitting here at a Theravedan Buddhist monastery enjoying the peaceful atmosphere.  Historically, churches have been a place of peace and refuge, but these days this is the only place of sanctuary I have found where I am welcome.  It's sad that churches seem to have lost their way over the centuries particularly in the last couple of generations.  So much of the kindness and caring has turned into just another big business.

In the late 1950s, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance to distinguish the USA from the godless communists of the Soviet Union.  Since then our society has not only become non-religious, but actively anti-religious.  While there have been a large number of horrible things done in the name of religion, it has also provided us with a moral and ethic basis to reach the success we are enjoying today.  Along with the loss of religious beliefs, we are seeing a precipitous decline of Western society.  Maybe they are connected or maybe not.  Personally, I think they are connected, I think we have lost our way and our dedication to something greater than the individual.

I can't say that I know what to do about this situation, but the problem has become so acutely obvious that it's a significant part of my motivation to go to seminary and try to do a little bit of good in the world.

Visiting other churches

I have started visiting  various churches in an effort to gain a deeper understanding of what religion means to different people.  It has been quite an interesting experience.  Here are a couple of them.

A minister I know pointed me at one church that turned out to be rather Pentecostal in nature, it had the whole "speaking in tongues" thing going on.  A number of people I know would have been seriously freaked out by the service.  Personally, I found it interesting.  Most of my history has not included what I've heard described as "the ecstatic experience" of religion.  It was also one of the most racially diverse congregations I have seen.  I'm very glad I went.  I've written a more detailed review that I sent off to my friend, but I'll be brief here.

The other church I visited was a "non-denominational" Christian church that is being "planted" by another branch.  This was the first service and most of the attendees were members of the preacher's extended family, which is quite large.  It's a very family oriented church, which is something I think our society needs more of.  On the other hand, their God is a lot more meddlesome than what I believe.  It was also a very evangelical service, which is yet another approach I need to understand in greater depth.  Learning to communicate in a way that influences and inspires other is one of the many things I need to learn to do.  I expect I'll be going back to other services there.

Both churches had live musicians playing some very modern kinds of music with lots of electronic amplification.  I'm not quite sure what I think about that.  Maybe I'm a bit too old fashioned.  I also need to develop a deeper understanding of the effects that music can have in religious services.  I know I'm not wired the same as a large number of church goers, so I'm going to have to go about understanding in a very deliberate manner.

At this point, my plan is to continue visiting a very wide variety of churches.  There is still so much more for me to learn.

Thought from listening to Sunday's sermon

The church I go to has two ministers, at least for the next few weeks, then both of them are moving on.  One of them I really don't connect with at all, the other one is the only minister who has offered any support in my going to seminary.  He's an interesting guy, with a somewhat diverse theological background.  He is also far more compassionate than most of the ministers I have had a chance to spend time speaking with, he doesn't just put on a good act while he is on stage.

Anyway, I just wanted to put in a bit of background.  Today's sermon touched on a few subjects, one of which was working with an interfaith group dealing with the poor and homeless.  I have often criticized my faith for only helping "those people over there" and making sure they stayed "over there" instead instead of making it easy for them to pick up many of the values and beliefs of the church.  Mind you, I'm talking about promoting the church and its values by leading by example.  Today's sermon was very passionate about people actually getting involved instead of just paying lip service by throwing some money at the problem and then feeling virtuous. 

It also got me to thinking about what I will be able to do once I finish my schooling.  I don't think I will be very good at dealing with the typical homeless beggar, I am much more likely to be working with people who are working their way up out of a bad turn of events.  Or, working with those who are on the fringes of society.  During my last trip to New Orleans I found that I built up connections with a number of the street performers and fortune tellers.  I'm also friends with some musicians who will never be big names or big successes, but they are getting by.  I'm sure there are those who will criticise me for this, but I need to play to my strengths.  My goals are to do good things, not great things. 

Even though it is years in the future, I'm trying understand myself better and where I will fit in.  It's challenging.

Atheism

Recently I've been dealing with an evangelical atheist online.  He seems to be one of those fundamentalist types who insist that everyone else has to believe the same way he does.  He is adamant that all religions are evil, that they have never done anything good and that anyone who has any religious leanings is seriously mentally ill.  Even when other folks point out the advancements in society that have been driven solely by religious faith, he denies them.  The depth of his faith in his beliefs is impressive, particularly given the paradox of denying the faith of others.

This anti-religious stance seems to be somewhat related to modern American culture where the individual is everything.  This attitude can be very successful when the number of people who have it is very small, but when it becomes the belief of a significant fraction of the population, it can spell the destruction of the culture or society.  The human drive and desire to be part of something greater than oneself is what has driven much of the development and advancement of humanity.  In fact, one of the current evolutionary theories is that humans developed a larger brain to deal with being part of a larger group or tribe than others.  Long term survival and prosperity of the group is what was important, not that of specific individuals.  This led to concepts that we now know as duty and self-sacrifice.  When these ideals become lost, society starts to fall apart.

while I get the point that many horrible things have been done in the name of religion, there has also been a lot of good.  Probably the best example is that literacy in Europe was driven solely by Gutenberg printing and distributing Bibles which led to parents wanted their children to be able to read just so they could read the Bible.  There were also advances in architecture and engineering made so that cathedrals could be built.  And, being a Classical Music fan, there was a huge body of music composed for religious purposes.

Personally, I've been trying to take a step back so that I can analyze and understand why various religions are successful and what they contribute to the long term prosperity of the society.  I'm also trying to understand what causes the failure of religions or churches, but that's a rant for another post.

What's in a church?

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. Life has been difficult.

Several months ago I had a falling out with the church I had been a member of. So, I have been attending another church that I seemed to fit in better with. There are two ministers serving this church. I get along very well with one of them and the other one is only mildly annoying on occasion. It has been an education and I don't mean that in a negative way. Mostly. I have learned a lot more about who I am and where I want to go.

But that's not what I really wanted to write about. Sometimes there are things I just really need to write down so I can quit carrying them in my head and heart. A few weeks ago one of the members of the church I used to be a member of committed suicide. She was very active in the church and quite well liked by everyone who knew her. Suicide rarely happens without a lot of warning signs, so I'm wondering if no one at the church noticed or if they just didn't care enough to do anything. Either way, it has left me rather shook up. It's a small church, about 180 members, so it's not like she was lost in the crowd. Between this and my studies, I am starting to understand that this sort of problem may be endemic to the culture of the faith I belong to. I find this to be unacceptable and I intend to work very hard to change this. I wish it was practical for me to simply change denominations, but this is one of the few that will have me. So, I'm going to be obstinate and stand up for the values I believe in. Maybe I can make a change in at least those I'm around.

In other news, the minister of the church I was a member of has decided to move on and leave the pastoral role to work in promoting social justice. This is probably a wise decision, some folks just aren't cut out to provide pastoral care.

In any case, this has caused me to think much more deeply on the issue of "what is a church?" and I've come to some conclusions about how very important it is for a church to provide a lot more care and support than I've been seeing lately.

That's about it for now, hopefully my next post here will be about more positive things.

Don't overlook the invisible

There is a great hue and cry over certain groups of people and how they are being mistreated, abused or victimized in one way or another. For those of us with good hearts, the impuse to help and support them is automatic. But what about the people who aren't part of those groups? What about the kind and friendly person who is suddenly scowling one day? What about the person who is usually very open who is now very closed and guarded? Or the person who many people know is going through a troubled time who suddenly disappears?

Frankly the groups with good publicists are getting lots of support from many different sources. I want to make sure that the other people who need help get something. I already try to pay attention to people. I have been the one to ask "are you okay?" and "what can I do to help?". I hope I can do even more of it as a minister.

Stop creating victims

In American society, being a victim can be a very powerful position if applied correctly. Because of this, there are some groups that have been told consistently that they are victims and deserve special treatment or consideration because of it. I certainly believe in helping someone who has suffered a misfortune or injustice, but when someone or a group is constantly in that situtation, there is some underlying cause that needs to be addressed.

This needs to stop. We need to quit teaching people that they can get ahead by blaming others so that we can reserve our compassion and charity for those who truly need it. The ones who just make a habit of being victims need to learn to stand on their own two feet.

I strongly believe in equality of opportunity, but that certainly does not and should not guarantee parity of results.

Why am I writing this now? Well, the minister at the church I go to tends to push the victimization button and it does annoy me. In addition, some of the other students in one of my seminary classes are going on about how certain groups or classes of people have not only been discriminated against in the past (which I do not dispute), but are being strongly discriminated against in today's world. I've heard that story for too long and I have seen too many examples to the contrary to be willing to accept it any more. Not only that, I am really tired of being told that since I am a straight white male, it is all my personal responsibility.

Feminism Overload

This last week has been unpleasant. The focus in one of my classes has been on feminsts and feminism in the 19th Century as it applies to the history of the churches. Added to that was the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day and a sermon at my regular church about it. I went to a different church last Sunday, the sermon on global warming was far less offensive.

Fundamentally, I am sick and tired of being expected to feel guilty and ashamed for being a straight white male. I've had it and I'm really quite angry about it.

Here are some realities that are being denied:

Women are not the same as men. There are a lot of things that both genders can do equally well, but there are also a number of things that they can't.

Here are some hard facts that are in relation to me:

1. Less than 1% of the women out there have a higher IQ than I do. I've looked it up on the charts.
2. Far less than 1% of the women out there are taller than I am.
3. Less than 1% of women are stronger than I am, and I'm in lousy shape.

Yeah, some of those may seem trivial, but that's the way it works. Gender is not just a social construct, there are some very real differences between the populations of men and women.

Here's another one:
I can never have children. The closest I can come is to hire a surrogate in a third world country to bear a child for me.

Here is one of the implications:
Men really do care about how women look. Their fitness to bear the next generation is a big factor. This has been reinforced by thousands of generations of natural selection. Yes, the kind of person you are also matters, but it isn't everything.

Yeah, I'm all for equality of opportunity, but at least I understand that there will never be parity of results in many fields. One of the most obvious is the job of firefighter in most major metropolitan areas. The physical requirements are tough, most men couldn't even pass them. Reducing the requirements based on gender is only going to get more people killed. This is a harsh fact of life.

And another interesting tidbit, a recent ACM paper came to the conclusion that there are so few women in IT for the simple reason that few women are willing to put in the work required, particularly in today's society versus that of 30 years ago.

Here is the last upsetting fact:
If a significant percentage of women reject having and raising a family then our society is doomed. And that is what is happening right now. Being on the losing side of natural selection really sucks.

Women, you said you wanted a choice, and you have it. Your instant gratification or the survival of modern society. It is up to you, not the men.

Seminarians and technology

It would be comical if it wasn't so sad watching seminarians try to deal with technology. The computer stuff is bad enough, but watching someone try to use a PA system by talking into the mic while standing directly in front of a speaker is just so depressing. I know that I don't know enough about sound systems yet, so I'm planning on doing some intensive work with some of the local community theatre folks.

To any other seminary students out there, it doesn't matter how throughly versed you are in theology if you can't get the message across.

Doing a little bit of good

I spent several hours this afternoon over at a Presbyterian church repairing a porch railing at the back of their day care center. It required cutting out rusted sections and then cutting, fitting and welding in replacement sections. I discovered that I'm a bit more out of practice than I thought and way out of shape (I ache all over now).

I'm not Presbyterian and I'm not interested in attending their church, so why did I do all of this? Well, they run a food pantry, provide low cost child care to the local community, including the high school across the street from them, and generally do good things for the community. I'm happy to contribute to their efforts.

There are those who believe that preachers should just preach the word of God. Then there is me, I believe that a ministers duty is to minister to their congregaation and community. Preaching the word of God is only a small part of that. Additionally, I believe that actions speak louder than words and have already couselled a few young and enthusiastic Christians that leading by example is often far more effective than preaching.

People my disagree, but this is my blog talking about my journey and what kind of minister I intend to be.

Reading week

This week is listed as "Reading Week" in the class schedules. Being new to the whole process of graduate school, I wasn't quite sure what to think about it. After getting more than five hours sleep two nights in a row, I'm starting to see the point. Between work and school, I have been seriously overstressed. I hope to get ahead on my schoolwork later on this week.

I wish I had a better idea of what to do, but I'm just making it up as I go along. I envy those folks who have some support from others.

Tough acts to follow

This weeks readings in one of my classes included speeches by Ralph Waldo Emerson and Theodore Parker. The subject matter was interesting, but what struck me most strongly was the incredible skill that these men had with the English language. I found myself being constantly amazed at the power of their writing and I could hear in my mind the overwheleming power that their speeches must have had.

As someone who wants to become a minister, I'm a bit intimidated by the people who I am following in the profession.

Life can be ironic

Later on today I'm headed over to a memorial for an acquaintance who passed away. What I find ironic is that he and I had a disagreement over the importance of ritual in people's lives. He was a slightly evangelical atheist and tended (as most people do) to want others to believe as he does. Nice guy and devoted to his wife, his death was a huge shock to many people, even his wife thought her declining health would cause her to be the first to go.

So I find it ironic that there is going to be a memorial, which is a ritual for the living and that it is going to be held at a church. A Unitarian-Universalist church, which does have a number of atheists as members, but still a church.

I never could convince him that not all ritual is based on religion. Just like not all spirituality is based on religion.

I expect that some people will consider this post to be insensitive, but I'm trying to pay attention to the world. I would not be surprised to run into similar situations once I become an ordained minister. I think that dealing with awkward situations is part of the job.

Classes so far

I'm really enjoying the history class I'm taking right now, it's turning out to be a lot more interesting than I expected.

However, I'm not doing so well with my class on Buddhism. I am just not connecting. I'm really having problems with understanding a philosophy that is based on destroying desire, cravings and passion. My life is driven by passion. There is great pain, but there is also great joy. Going through life numb is just not something I can do.

But that's what Buddhism is about. Achieving nirvana, the end of personal existence.

Doing homework

After spending several hours in a church meeting, I decided that I really needed to finish this weeks seminary homework and I didn't really feel like going home. So I stopped by a bar that has WiFi on my way home. A "Gentlemen's Club". I've spent the afternoon drinking beer (Ziegenbock, it's okay) and doing my homework. I'm more likely to find people in need of spiritual help there than in church.

I actually had an interesting conversation with a dancer about some of the local churches. It was cool. Then I had a conversation with a waitress about Anime.

Not a terribly expensive afternoon either. About $30 for 4 beers and a steak dinner, including tips.

I'm finally posting to this blog, but some things are going to be really out of order. The past few weeks have been busy.

Introduction

So, this is my first post in a new blog. As may be evident from the title, I'm not a monotheist. I'm also not a trinitarian. I actually would have preferred godbotherer, but that belongs to a blog about a British band. So I got here a bit too late to stake out that name along with godbotherer.com. Such is life.

After a lifetime in IT, I started seminary classes two weeks ago. Part time and via distance (online) learning. I also started a new job at the same time. To say things have been a bit intense would be a bit of an understatement.

While I have thought of becoming a preacher occasionally over the past 15 years or so, only in the past couple of years have I come to truly loathe what I was doing for a living and realized that I need a radical change of careers. Given that I have alway been a "white knight" and my fundamental character is to help people in need, becoming a minister so that I can actually get paid, not well, but paid, to help people seems to be a reasonable choice.

The website for the seminary that I have started taking classes from lists some of their graduates who are trying to do great things. Personally, I'm hoping to do good things for a smaller number of people. I want to help heal the human spirit rather than try to save their immortal souls.

I could go get a MBA in 18 months. Instead, I'm going after a M. Div. that will probably take over 5 years and cost at least 3x. When I finish, I have no assurance that I will even be able to find a congregation who will want to have me. Life is not simple for some of us who feel a calling.

I have a sign on my refrigerator: Nothing great in this world was ever accomplished without passion.