I've been doing a lot of thinking about James Holmes and how he wound up where he did.  The answers I've come up with have been disturbing and very thought provoking.

From his background, James Holmes seems to have been extremely intelligent.  I'll bet he would make most Mensa members look mediocre in the brains department.  This in itself makes him a fairly rare individual.  Being a statistical outlier can be really tough.  By all reports he was also quite polite.  This also helps corroborate the reports that women couldn't stand him.

So, he worked really hard in school, did well and then discovered he couldn't get a job.  One of the obvious paths to postponing having to pay a likely heavy debt load from school was to go back to school, which he did.  PhD programs are tough.  STEM PhD programs are even tougher.  I suspect he was cracking under the strain, particularly with his lack of social and moral support as well as the the continual media message that there was something wrong with him for being an intelligent straight white male.  That message can get very tiresome.

After all of this, he broke.  He killed several people.  While a lot of folks are going on about how many he killed, I glad he didn't kill a lot more.  I can think of a few ways to kill almost everyone on the theater.  A lifetime of reading science fiction, mysteries and spy novels will give a person a few ideas.  James Holmes, is a lot smarter than I am and had a lot better access to both chemical and biological, so he could easily have come up with a dozen of so methods that would be a lot deadlier.  Instead, he chose a method that was deeply personal and in everyone's face.  It wasn't about killing as many people as he could, it was about saying a huge "Fuck you!" to society.  He didn't even make any effort to get away, and he told the police about the boobytrap he had left at his apartment.

It's not hard to deduce some of the logic he probably went through.  He was under financial pressure from student loan debt that is pretty much inescapable.  He had done everything that he had been told to do to have a good life, and it had been thrown in his face.

So why am I writing this in a blog about becoming a minister?  Because James Holmes was one of the people on the fringe.  One of the people our society doesn't believe could ever need help.  Maybe if one person had gone out of their way to help him, to treat him like a real person, maybe this tragedy could have been avoided.  From what I have read about him, I would have liked to have been his friend.  There are a lot of people out on the fringes that no one wants to know about and who don't inspire enough of a sense of pity for the liberal mindset to even care.  These are the people I want to be able to help, not the people who are written up in the newspaper on a regular basis. I pray I can actually do it.

Making a difference

I spent a little while this afternoon talking to some veterans who are running a charity for disabled veterans.  It was interesting, I've know for a while that returning veterans are getting a really raw deal, but we talked about it in more detail.  The suicide rate among veterans has gotten to be way too high and very few people want to talk about it.  There are a lot of factors involved, but I think one of them is our current society where if someone is having a rough time, the only response is "too bad" instead of "Is there anything I can do to help?".  I expect quite a number of them were just ground up by the uncaring system where no one ever bothered to connect with them as human beings.

Yeah, what can I do?  I can make a point of treating them as humans and make a real effort to listen to them.

Sanctuary

I'm sitting here at a Theravedan Buddhist monastery enjoying the peaceful atmosphere.  Historically, churches have been a place of peace and refuge, but these days this is the only place of sanctuary I have found where I am welcome.  It's sad that churches seem to have lost their way over the centuries particularly in the last couple of generations.  So much of the kindness and caring has turned into just another big business.

In the late 1950s, the words "under God" were added to the Pledge of Allegiance to distinguish the USA from the godless communists of the Soviet Union.  Since then our society has not only become non-religious, but actively anti-religious.  While there have been a large number of horrible things done in the name of religion, it has also provided us with a moral and ethic basis to reach the success we are enjoying today.  Along with the loss of religious beliefs, we are seeing a precipitous decline of Western society.  Maybe they are connected or maybe not.  Personally, I think they are connected, I think we have lost our way and our dedication to something greater than the individual.

I can't say that I know what to do about this situation, but the problem has become so acutely obvious that it's a significant part of my motivation to go to seminary and try to do a little bit of good in the world.

Visiting other churches

I have started visiting  various churches in an effort to gain a deeper understanding of what religion means to different people.  It has been quite an interesting experience.  Here are a couple of them.

A minister I know pointed me at one church that turned out to be rather Pentecostal in nature, it had the whole "speaking in tongues" thing going on.  A number of people I know would have been seriously freaked out by the service.  Personally, I found it interesting.  Most of my history has not included what I've heard described as "the ecstatic experience" of religion.  It was also one of the most racially diverse congregations I have seen.  I'm very glad I went.  I've written a more detailed review that I sent off to my friend, but I'll be brief here.

The other church I visited was a "non-denominational" Christian church that is being "planted" by another branch.  This was the first service and most of the attendees were members of the preacher's extended family, which is quite large.  It's a very family oriented church, which is something I think our society needs more of.  On the other hand, their God is a lot more meddlesome than what I believe.  It was also a very evangelical service, which is yet another approach I need to understand in greater depth.  Learning to communicate in a way that influences and inspires other is one of the many things I need to learn to do.  I expect I'll be going back to other services there.

Both churches had live musicians playing some very modern kinds of music with lots of electronic amplification.  I'm not quite sure what I think about that.  Maybe I'm a bit too old fashioned.  I also need to develop a deeper understanding of the effects that music can have in religious services.  I know I'm not wired the same as a large number of church goers, so I'm going to have to go about understanding in a very deliberate manner.

At this point, my plan is to continue visiting a very wide variety of churches.  There is still so much more for me to learn.

Thought from listening to Sunday's sermon

The church I go to has two ministers, at least for the next few weeks, then both of them are moving on.  One of them I really don't connect with at all, the other one is the only minister who has offered any support in my going to seminary.  He's an interesting guy, with a somewhat diverse theological background.  He is also far more compassionate than most of the ministers I have had a chance to spend time speaking with, he doesn't just put on a good act while he is on stage.

Anyway, I just wanted to put in a bit of background.  Today's sermon touched on a few subjects, one of which was working with an interfaith group dealing with the poor and homeless.  I have often criticized my faith for only helping "those people over there" and making sure they stayed "over there" instead instead of making it easy for them to pick up many of the values and beliefs of the church.  Mind you, I'm talking about promoting the church and its values by leading by example.  Today's sermon was very passionate about people actually getting involved instead of just paying lip service by throwing some money at the problem and then feeling virtuous. 

It also got me to thinking about what I will be able to do once I finish my schooling.  I don't think I will be very good at dealing with the typical homeless beggar, I am much more likely to be working with people who are working their way up out of a bad turn of events.  Or, working with those who are on the fringes of society.  During my last trip to New Orleans I found that I built up connections with a number of the street performers and fortune tellers.  I'm also friends with some musicians who will never be big names or big successes, but they are getting by.  I'm sure there are those who will criticise me for this, but I need to play to my strengths.  My goals are to do good things, not great things. 

Even though it is years in the future, I'm trying understand myself better and where I will fit in.  It's challenging.

Atheism

Recently I've been dealing with an evangelical atheist online.  He seems to be one of those fundamentalist types who insist that everyone else has to believe the same way he does.  He is adamant that all religions are evil, that they have never done anything good and that anyone who has any religious leanings is seriously mentally ill.  Even when other folks point out the advancements in society that have been driven solely by religious faith, he denies them.  The depth of his faith in his beliefs is impressive, particularly given the paradox of denying the faith of others.

This anti-religious stance seems to be somewhat related to modern American culture where the individual is everything.  This attitude can be very successful when the number of people who have it is very small, but when it becomes the belief of a significant fraction of the population, it can spell the destruction of the culture or society.  The human drive and desire to be part of something greater than oneself is what has driven much of the development and advancement of humanity.  In fact, one of the current evolutionary theories is that humans developed a larger brain to deal with being part of a larger group or tribe than others.  Long term survival and prosperity of the group is what was important, not that of specific individuals.  This led to concepts that we now know as duty and self-sacrifice.  When these ideals become lost, society starts to fall apart.

while I get the point that many horrible things have been done in the name of religion, there has also been a lot of good.  Probably the best example is that literacy in Europe was driven solely by Gutenberg printing and distributing Bibles which led to parents wanted their children to be able to read just so they could read the Bible.  There were also advances in architecture and engineering made so that cathedrals could be built.  And, being a Classical Music fan, there was a huge body of music composed for religious purposes.

Personally, I've been trying to take a step back so that I can analyze and understand why various religions are successful and what they contribute to the long term prosperity of the society.  I'm also trying to understand what causes the failure of religions or churches, but that's a rant for another post.

What's in a church?

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. Life has been difficult.

Several months ago I had a falling out with the church I had been a member of. So, I have been attending another church that I seemed to fit in better with. There are two ministers serving this church. I get along very well with one of them and the other one is only mildly annoying on occasion. It has been an education and I don't mean that in a negative way. Mostly. I have learned a lot more about who I am and where I want to go.

But that's not what I really wanted to write about. Sometimes there are things I just really need to write down so I can quit carrying them in my head and heart. A few weeks ago one of the members of the church I used to be a member of committed suicide. She was very active in the church and quite well liked by everyone who knew her. Suicide rarely happens without a lot of warning signs, so I'm wondering if no one at the church noticed or if they just didn't care enough to do anything. Either way, it has left me rather shook up. It's a small church, about 180 members, so it's not like she was lost in the crowd. Between this and my studies, I am starting to understand that this sort of problem may be endemic to the culture of the faith I belong to. I find this to be unacceptable and I intend to work very hard to change this. I wish it was practical for me to simply change denominations, but this is one of the few that will have me. So, I'm going to be obstinate and stand up for the values I believe in. Maybe I can make a change in at least those I'm around.

In other news, the minister of the church I was a member of has decided to move on and leave the pastoral role to work in promoting social justice. This is probably a wise decision, some folks just aren't cut out to provide pastoral care.

In any case, this has caused me to think much more deeply on the issue of "what is a church?" and I've come to some conclusions about how very important it is for a church to provide a lot more care and support than I've been seeing lately.

That's about it for now, hopefully my next post here will be about more positive things.